RANTS · OF · ANGER

I am fucking tired of "black history month". It is supposed to be a time to learn about black heritage and struggle. What new things have you learned? nothing! It is just a way for companies to pay lip-service to blacks and get you to buy their products. It is mother fucking shameless! What do we, collectively, as a nation know about black history? MLK, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks. That is a fucking sad "wealth" of knowledge. Emeril was making beer marinated chicken for fuck sake! That is almost as bad as the dorms Quanza fried chicken. Instead of being a time of reflection it has become a free-for-all of corporate plugs,stereotypes, and meaningless discussions. Why have it if this is how we use it?! black history month doesn't make me feel counted, it makes me feel dirty and used.

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 8 out of 10 correct!

I think that I have too much trauma. I have discovered that I have substantially more trauma than I thought that I did. I think that my entire life has been trauma. I also have substantially more trauma then I have let on. I don't think that it occurs to most people that just becuase I am willing to share a little doesn't mean that I have even begun to, or am willing to divulge all that has happened. I think that this leads people (who are usually not my closest friends) to say stupid and infuriating things like "you know that you have to get over it sometime" and "you are 20 years old and you can't spend the rest of your life blaming the bad things that have happened to you" or "bad things happen to everyone so you just have to move on". Anything in this general vacinity will make me wish to have you killed. so, in essence fuck stupid people who don't understand trauma, I have amassed possibly 10 times as much trauma in my 20 years then I think is physically possible, and someone is stupid enough to think that I should work through it in 6 months? I'm working on it, and in a much more productive way then any of my relatives: I have yet to be addicted to or abuse heroin, alcohol, cocaine, speed, angel dust, PCP, marijuana, crack, meth, or abuse other people and find pleasure in destroying the lives of others (especially my own children). in other words I'M FUCKING WORKING ON IT. I would rather be an ass and push people away then be someones bitch until I attempt suicide, again.
(this is not to say that my trauma is more important or "worse" than anyone else's, because all trauma is traumatic and can not be ranked or graded on its severity, nor should it be)

I am also very wary about new people, becuase I discovered a chink in my armor. I realized about a year ago that it takes a lot for me to trust people and let them in, it is an extended and rigorous process meant to protect me. However, I tend to just trust and accept people who are trusted by my friends. This usually leads to disaster. For right now i don't think that I will be getting aquainted with anyone new. I only have so much energy and I need to conserve it for being ill and trying to sleep. I have completely stopped deriving any gain from sleep. At night when I'm alone it is like all my past deamons come ot visit me, and when I do finally become exhausted at 3 or 4 (usually through distracting my brain with TV) I dream that people are trying to kill me, rape me, or otherwise harm me. Sometimes my dreams are exact recollections of past events. This morning around 6 I woke up literally shaking. This has led to a complete disinterest in school, work, or anything that requires effort. I think at this point I may fail my field methods class becuse I have only done one interview for my project. I think that at this point I need an emergency room for the soul or possibly a morgue. Until that happens I think that just to stay afloat I'm going to have to push away anything that causes stress or cuases or re-injures any kind of trauma. Becuause right now the only thing that I need more of is sleep.

I have told most of you about the stupid girl in my field methods and violence class. well she is still fucking stupid. I got put in her group in violence and the five of us have to write a 15 page paper together. Two of the other people in my group are taking the class pass/fail and aren't even socy majors. so because of the fact that I can see the impending F on this paper, I stayed after class to talk to the teacher about switching groups, but guess who got to the TA first...that's right, stupid girl. She felt it necessary to share with the teacher that her dog had surgery on its hip and would have to have it again on its other hip, so she couldn't afford the books for the class, so she couldn't do the reading for the test the next day. This story took 5 minutes! She also felt compelled to tell this story to Matt Brown in field methods the day before, because she is a dumbass and didn't turn in the first paper on time. This was even after he gave her a new deadline because she didn't have it to turn-in in class the preceding thursday. The excuse for that was a conveluted story about a skunk the night before. How that could keep you from turning in a 2 page paper the next night at 5 I don't know. Anyway, I then talked to my violence TA after she finished babbling and she assured me that if my group didn't do anything she would let me do the project by myself, but I could not switch groups. SO FUCK THAT. also, a few of the people in my field methods class have taken up a tally of how many times she interrupts the teacher or a classmate (which is often and the information is never pertinent) and how many times she says "like".

Tonight I was just standing there, in my kitchen looking in the refrigerator, and Erica walks in and says, and I quote: "I have a birthmark in my vagina". just out of the blue! My brain still hurts from trying to contemplate this statement. I really don't know what else to say.

My emotions have been out of control lately. I used to be very stoic and closed. My emotions didn't get shared with anyone, I always kept them to myself. Now, I can barely keep them contained or private. I don't know what is going on! In some ways it is good that my walls have come down, but now I can't put them up when I need them. Every time I get hurt I feel like distancing myself from people, but at this point that has become impossible. I have become leery to trust anyone. I feel like letting even a little bit of my unguarded self show leaves me exposed and vulnerable to attack. One that without my normal defenses I can not withstand. This over the past two years has been obvious with so many people, including molly and amanda. This is why I used to be so alone, at least then people couldn't cause me such irreparable damage. It is as if in the past two years my emotions have been making up for the last 18 that I was so reserved.

I also failed my intro to cell bio final, which means that at the highest I got a D in the class :(. but the scary thing is is that I don't really care. I really don't care about much anymore. oh well at least I still have fanfic and T.V.

I took the quizzes in Dillon's journal, one was an x-men personality quiz: I am apparently Wolverine (big surprise). I also took one about what city would be best for you, I thought that it would be New York, but it was a surprise that mine was London.

On thursday night my father called me 5 times and left me some pretty disturbing messages that made me realize how unhealthy and abusive our relationship is.

All in all I am more than ready for this awful semester to be over, but if I don't pull my GPA up fast I can kiss grad school goodbye.

ok, so I know that they are called lectures because your teacher is supposed to lecture, but are you fucking kidding. On tuesday my juvenile delinquency professor went on a 45 minutes rant about how important it is to acknowledge that bad kids are a product of society. At the beginning of the semester he spent the first 5 or 6 days trying to convince us that kids were sentient and affected by the world from the second that they were conceived. He basically would not let the class move on until we agreed that abortion was wrong! I thought that we had gotten away from that, but no 45 FUCKIN' MINUTES he ranted. It was simultaneously boring and infuriating! It was random and had nothing to do with the class or the final, which by the way most of us are not even going to take. I don't like this fucker Regoli and he can suck it.

once again, on a lighter note: did anyone see last nights episode of law & order: svu? It was the gayest episode ever! I can't believe that Mariska Hargitay is still under the impression that her character is straight. I mean seriously, when elliot and olivia were questioning the school principal she practical yelled I'M A HOMO! I think that the writers should just go ahead and admit that olivia is gay.......and while their at it casey novak, alex cabot, and whoever angie harmon plays. FUCK IT, all of their female characters are gay, and they know it. Also, what the fuck is going on between munch and fin, as gross as it is they are about to butt fuck and we all know it.

who would be interested in an after finals stay up all night and watch movies/tv shows marathon sleep over?

so It is not a surprise that my first rant is of course about none other than white privilege. If you don't know what this is then please stop reading and commence beating some sense into yourself, preferably with a large, heavy, blunt object. Many of you have heard this rant before, but dammit I'm going to complain about it until it stops fucking bothering me, which given my skin color is just this side of never. I know there are other forms of privilege out there, many of which I also face on a daily basis, but this one is the more pressing matter and the most obviously fucked up! one of the things that makes the white privilege worse is not only do you have to re-live it over and over again (because it is my job to educate everyone and not their job to get a fucking clue) but the response of those who have the privilege, or the means to stop it, is apathetic and often hostile (excluding those few who are white, do get it, and are angry enough to do something...and I love you for it). Recently a member of the gay community, who thinks that he gets both race and trans issues, but doesn't, decided to write to the colorado daily and get an article published whining about how during the recent racial incidents, excuse me...SPECIFIC DEATH THREATS, that the gay issue was lost. I would just like to thank Geoff for using his white privilege to usurp the voices of those who are people of color on this campus. good job! yes gay rights are important, we deserve to be safe and have equal protection under the law, at school, work,and home, like everyone else, and yes writing "death to gays" on a bench is wrong, but are you fucking kidding me. what about trans rights, "illegal" and "legal" immigrants, muslims, and other demographics in this country who are not only being short changed and condemned, but targeted and specifically, with full intent and malice, threatened with their lives. The quality of my life is cut short every day by white peoples prejudice ignorance and oppression, and until this stops how can I even hope to attain equality in being female bodied, lesbian, trans, or anything else. how can any other social justice movement hope to achieve their goals when this civil rights movement has fought for so long and is still being thwarted by apathy, ignorance, and the short sightedness of others. you can't hope to pass a class called justice 4984 when you have failed justice 1001. No one would try that in school so why do they think that it would work in life. I'm not saying that you have to wait to have gays rights until after white privilege has been abolished, but keep it in perspective and FUCKING RECOGNIZE YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE. I don't want your empathy, I want you to get educated and fucking do something.

I had to get that out because I am tired in my heart of fighting this battle every day, hour, second, and minute to no avail. I will probably rant about it again later, but on a lighter note: I found out that if I don't take the final in my juvenile delinquency class I will get a B (without owning the book :) ), but if I do take it I might get a lower grade, so fuck that! Also, my socy theory teacher changed her grading scale so hopefully I will get a decent grade in that class. The only class I'm worried about failing is intro to cell bio, the grossest course ever, worse the chem. if I just get a C in this class I will never have to take science again, *evil laughter*. But I did learn something this semester, it is good to own the books for class, it is almost invaluable. I also calculated that if I skimp on the spending for the next month (which sadly means no presents :( ) then I will be able to make it without working over winter break. This is not my plan, but it takes a lot of the overwhelming pressure off. Whether or not I can get work I am looking forward to having free time to read fanfic for a month.

*by the way I would just like to commend myself for resisting the STRONG temptation to call Geoff a fuckbag